


Sandcastles & Dreams

by Cant_Avoid_Thoughts_Cant_Deny_Feelings



Category: Avengers - AU - Fandom, Avengers Alternate Universe - Fandom, Avengers-FBI-AU, Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Character Death, Cliffhangers, Dreams and Nightmares, Dreams vs. Reality, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, cliffhanger ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 04:17:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16905951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cant_Avoid_Thoughts_Cant_Deny_Feelings/pseuds/Cant_Avoid_Thoughts_Cant_Deny_Feelings
Summary: Just after he was finally ready to move on Bucky starts getting vivid dreams, about the life he always wanted with you.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Angst, angst, ANGST. Please don’t read if you are not in happy place / right mind set right now.  
> This is two part story, it’s gonna gets more angsty and sad next part. Again going to request you’ll don’t read if you are not in happy place / right mind set right now.  
> Part 2 is NOT going to be a happy ending, either. (You have been warned)

As you lounged in beach chair reading your favorite book, you looked at the beach. Admired the view in front of you, taking in your surroundings.

Smile spread across your face, your son was trying to make a sandcastle not twenty feet away from you. Your husband was snoring lightly in chair next to you, with your ten month old daughter sprawled on his chest.

He had tight hold on her and they were blissfully asleep. When you saw house behind you, you felt kind of lucky to own it, it was one of your favorite place to spend summer.

Not lot of houses were there on this beach, and all that were owned by families or old couples. At the moment beach was almost empty, you had come just after finishing breakfast.

JJ (James Jr.) couldn’t wait to build sandcastle today, so dragged you all out, the moment you finished your food. 

He was trying very hard to keep the sand together, putting more water to it. It either became too muddy or was too dry, either way not perfect to hold.

You could see his brows furrowed and at any moment he was going to give up and ask you for help.

Just then he looked your way and you hid your face behind the book you were holding. Trying not to laugh out loud.

“Mommy, mommy” JJ called

“Yes Baby?” you asked nonchalantly as if not noticing his struggle.

“It’s not holding it’s slipping” JJ said running towards you

Boy was almost in tears, just like his father a “ _drama queen_ ”

“What’s not holding” you asked again innocently

JJ gave frustrated sigh throwing hands up in the air & said “Castle mommy”

“Ohh my poor baby” you stroked his hair he was splitting image of his father expect for his hair which he took after you.

“You want mommy to help you” you asked

He nodded eagerly.

“Ok, just give mommy a minuet ok?” you asked

“Ok, but come fast” JJ ordered

You got up from your chair, pulled out sun screen and put on your daughter’s arms and back, she was still snoring lightly. 

You put light comforter on her just when you were adjusting her hands, her father’s grip on her tightened. 

Your heart swelled and you smiled kissing both their foreheads.

You built decent looking sandcastle half an hour later.

“You want to add some sea shells to the wall of castle?” you asked JJ

“Yes mommy” he said with glint of excitement in his eyes

“Then go and find some, but don’t go near the water ok baby?” you asked

He skipped steps and started looking and picking up sea shells he liked, squealing when he found what he was looking for.

His little hands couldn’t hold more than 4-5 sea-shells so he made 3-4 trips and brought more and more beautiful shells.

You could see his skin was turning red, with sun rising in the sky. Although you had coated him with enough sunblock your mommy anxiety was taking better of you. 

So you asked him to arrange the shell way he liked while you fetched some water and sunscreen, he nodded happily.

Just when you were walking back to the bag, you saw your husband jolt awake as he called your name loudly,

“Y/N”

Your legs carried you to his side faster.

“Hey, James” you stroked lightly on his forearm.

His sudden movement had woken up your daughter who was looking between her distressed father and your worried face. You could tell she was about to cry so you picked her up quickly.

As you rocked her gently in your arms you looked at James calling his attention he still looked incoherent.

“Bad dream?” you asked

“Huh? Yeah, No” he answered.

When you looked skeptical he sat up straight and said,

“No, it was just too realistic. Like one minute you three were near me and next you were all gone. Like you never existed” he explained

“We are here honey, we are real” you said as you caressed his face. He leaned into your touch.

He looked over your daughter who was now sucking her thumb and looking over your shoulder at her brother.

“I know you are here, it’s just. Don’t know why I get that dream where am all alone and all I could hear is your voice” he said

“I’m sorry babe, but we are here and whenever you can’t see us, find us here” you said as you put a hand on left side of his chest. He smiled.

Yes all three of you were his heart. There was no one or nothing there but you three.

“Mommy, I need more shells to add” JJ called

You laughed at him.

“Well you better go to him, I’ll give this one a bottle I think she is thirsty” you told James who nodded

He took in the scene around him. There were few people on the beach. Group of teenagers playing in the water, little further of you.

A young couple looked so in love, walking on the beach holding hands laughing. One other old couple was sitting in chairs like you talking.

He smiled, this was the life he always imagined. Now it was a reality.

JJ called again, and James got to his feet. He kissed you quickly then tickled your daughter in the sides, she squealed.

“Don’t bother mommy Em, be a good girl for her” he told her.

He was a natural with kids. They just followed him like little ducklings, hung to his every word.

“JJ don’t go into the water alone” he called to your son who was running towards the deep water.

You laughed as you heard your son’s mischievous squeal and your daughter to joined in.

It was music to his ears, hearing you three laugh. His family! His Wife! His precious children! This was his Life!

The one he loved so dearly. As he started running behind JJ distance between them increased, no matter how many longer strides he took he was unable to reach his son. Who was still squealing calling him!

“C’mon Daddy, catch me” JJ said

You were laughing, as you cradled Em and tickled her. James looked at you suddenly distance between him and you two was also seemed a lot.

He turned his attention towards his son, he could hear his laughs, he could hear JJ calling him but he couldn’t spot him.

Panic set over James, what was happening. He looked at the place where you were sitting but the chairs were empty. You were gone too. All he could hear was Em’s giggles and you telling him that you three were real.

He looked around to find any traces of you, to see from where the sounds were coming but nothing or rather no one was around he was on an empty beach.

All alone!!!

_Lost!!!_

Only sound that was there, was of waves hitting the shores.

No chairs, no houses, no other people around he was all alone.

“Y/N” he called you

“Yes, James we are here” you said

He heard you voice, felt your hand on his heart but you were not there, neither were his children.

“Y/N” he called again

This time no one answered. “Please comeback” he dropped to his knees crying.

“Don’t leave me alone, I don’t know how to live without you” he begged.

He cried but, no one came. Suddenly it was dark around him and he sat and pulled his knees to his chest.

He was all  _alone_.

 ** _Alone_**!!!

He called your name, but it was more like a scream this time,

“Y/N”

And then…

He woke up…

Jolted awake! He was dripping with sweat.

Sheets soaked. He couldn’t understand where he was, he couldn’t see. His throat was dry like a desert.

His shaking hands supported him to sit up. He tried to grab glass of water from night stand but his hands were too shaky.

Then someone touched him. His forearm. He looked at the hand.

“It’s just a dream Bucky” the woman said as she sighed.

Her sleep was broken by his sudden movement but it was a routine for her. 

His nightmares were part of their relationship.

There was hardly any night when he didn’t have them. They were always this vivid and he always ended up calling your name out loud.

He turned the table side lamp on. The woman creased her forehead, eyes still closed. But he could see her face.

_**Natasha!!!** _

It was Natasha in his bed. Sleeping next to him

Tear rolled from his eyes.

He just threw his covers off and walked to the bathroom.

Same dream,  ** _again_**.

Why?

Why was his own mind so cruel to him?

Why did he have such vivid dreams about non-existent life?

Hi life with you never existed. 

His children never existed. 

You were gone!  ** _Dead_!**

 **Dead**!!!

You died in front of him! He saw it happen.

It was a cruel joke of destiny, he was put there just to watch you die.

Everyone told him,  ** _none of this was his fault!_  **

That it was  _fate_. 

He was with Natasha.

He was getting married to her in two weeks.

Why?

Why now?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some more angst. This is not a happy ending. Sort of 'cliffhanger' ending. Readers get to decide the ending.

Why?

Why now?

All of a sudden the dream started coming back???

As he opened the tap to splash cold water on his face, he looked at himself in the mirror. He didn’t recognise this man.

He was fragment of someone he used to be, ghost of someone left behind to haunt the living being that was alive in this body.

He removed all his cloths and entered the shower. He took long shower. When he came out it was almost 4 AM.

He knew he would not be able to sleep, so he decided to go for run. He had to be at office by 8 so he still had time.

He came out and put on his running gear and went running. On his way back he brought coffee for both of them. Natasha was still sleeping so he made breakfast, ate it alone. Plated hers and put it in microwave for her along with her coffee.

After quick shower & getting ready, he sat in the car. As the engine turned to life, he took the usual route.

He saw the place where explosion happened. He passed the site every day. He was becoming masochist, passing by the place where you died.

Eyeing it with hope, as if any moment you were going to appear from it.

But today was different.

There were lot of construction trucks, machinery, & workers were standing at the place. All the signs of  _‘crime scene ahead’ ‘do not enter without permission’_  were removed.

He became anxious. In haste he put his leg on breaks too forcibly. Walked to the place.

Asked around and was told that place was cleared by FBI to reconstruct.

Sudden anger, sadness, washed over him.

He went back to his car and sped to his office. He was unsure what he wanted, what he expected but he wanted some answers so he drove.

He was early, so he waited. There was meeting schedule at 9.30 he would ask questions then. When clock hit the time he walked to briefing room. He was handed over case papers, Fury briefed him, he waited for Steve, Sam but they didn’t come.

So he spent his day working on his desk. Natasha messaged asking, how he was. Reminding him couple of thing he needed to do for wedding preparation, he just sighed & replied her with simple ‘ok’.

She retired from active duty after the last case, she didn’t want it anymore. So she took over training new agents, she liked the job, enjoyed it actually, along with Clint, he was a great mentor.

When clock hit five, Bucky decided he had enough so he drove to Steve’s place he contemplated going in, he didn’t like it going unannounced but he needed answers, he knew Peggy will throw fit and probably if peter was there, there would be another incident. But he didn’t care. He knocked on the door.

Steve opened the door, he was hesitant but gave Bucky kind smile, gestured him inside. He could see, that they were about to have dinner, table was set.

Peggy gave him disapproving look. But Peters reaction was worst the moment Bucky sat at the table, Peter rose from his seat making his chair screech louder, nostrils flaring, he was angry, Bucky was the last person he wanted to see, he just asked Peggy,

“May I be excused, I want to go to my room” she just gave him sad smile.

She was hopeless when it came to him. She could never handle him the way you did, you were natural, but she tried her best.

“Peter please” she pleaded, “I made you favourite dinner, please eat something” she urged him but peter didn’t budge, eyes trained on floor.

Steve intervened, “You can go to your room but only of you take your dinner & finish it there and you have to eat you medicines right now” he ordered

Peter swallowed all the tablets in one go.

“Wear your bracelet, so we know just in case” Steve said

“I’m not a baby” peter retorted

Bucky knew all this was his fault but he needed answers, he needed his friend. He was lonely too.

Peter wore bracelet which monitored his stress levels and his in case he had another panic attack they would be alerted.

He picked the plate and went to his room without another word.

Peggy followed.

Steve got up from his place, filled two glasses with amber liquid. Handed one glass to Bucky,

“Thanks” Bucky mumbled.

Steve just nodded and exhaled.

“Sorry to intrude but you were not at the office today” Bucky said

Steve nodded he was dwelling on how to break the news to Bucky.

“You cleared the incident site?” Bucky asked. He tried his best to keep anger, accusation, hurt away from it.

“Well, there was nothing more left to investigate” Steve said

“and you didn’t think it was important to inform me?” Bucky asked

“Buck” Steve finally looked up at his friend.

Bucky couldn’t comprehend the emotion but, there was more to it. He suddenly feared what his friend was about to say to him.

“Listen to me, we all need to move on” Steve pleaded “Heal, look up to the future”

“It’s over, it’s been six months. She is  _gone_. You have to accept it!” Steve said

Bucky was just staring at his glass, he winced at mention of your death.

Steve put a comforting hand on his back, “We all need to heal, but we can’t do that if we kept holding to our past” he said

“You are getting married in two weeks, start a happy life. You loved her once, you will love her again. If I remember correctly you told me Natasha was love of your life”

Bucky snorted at this. He didn’t even know what true love was until he met you. Things you did for him…

Bucky sniffled, Steve just rubbed his shoulders. “Accept that it’s over. Move on please. And please know that… “Steve took deep breathe

“That  _ **none of this was your fault**_ ” he assured his friend.

“The explosion, we didn’t see it coming, none of us could have done anything to stop it” Steve continued

“Peter’s health, this situation, it’s not your fault either, it’s just…” before he could finish he was interrupted

“The hell it isn’t his fault” Peggy came stomping in the living area.

“This tonight, is definitely his fault” she accused Bucky

“Peg…” Steve tried to intervene she silenced him with a look

“We barely had three days without a panic attack and now it’s gonna start again” She said

“He barely touched the food, he is crying again, we can’t sleep we can’t do anything” she was angry now

“That boy has no one but me, and I don’t know how to protect him, how to parent him, I’m helpless. You know what, she came back for him” Peggy said pointing at Bucky,

“She had no intention in coming back that was not her plan. But she came back because you promised her, you told her you loved her, that you will always love her. She trusted you, just to find you going back to your life, finding comfort in someone else, look what it got her  _Death_!!!” she accused Bucky & started crying.

Steve got up and hugged her, rubbing her back in comforting motions.

“I just want to leave, I don’t want to be in this city anymore, I want this over with” She cried in Steve’s chest

Steve nodded but didn’t say anything.

Peggy composed herself, “You promised me, you will take us far away”  “Where we will make new memories, away from this city, from its people” she looked up at him with hope.

Steve nodded, “Yes and we are leaving by the end of this week as promised” he assured her.

Bucky’s head shot up, he was shocked beyond words. The last family member he had left was leaving him as well.

Peggy just gave Steve a sad smile nodded, “I’m taking Pete to our room, and he will sleep in the adjacent bed. I don’t want to worry” she told Steve.

He just nodded and Peggy left without another word.

Bucky still comprehended the situation, astound beyond words. He couldn’t say anything, suddenly he was aware of his surroundings, packaging, empty and labelled boxes.

“I’m sorry Buck, but they’re my  _priority_ ” Steve told him

“Interpol offered me a job in Italy” Steve informed.

“Tony signed the guardian ship of Peter to Peggy, which was y/n’s last wish. She somehow knew she wouldn’t survive, she had made arrangements.” Steve said

Bucky didn’t say anything, “I overheard them talking last week” Steve said

Bucky looked up meeting his friends gaze with questioning look.

“Peggy & Peter, that how they wished they never came back, that how they should have stayed in hiding, that three of them Y/N included made great family and didn’t need anyone” Steve said as he released shaky breathe

“Peter is a kid, but Peggy too felt this way!” Steve was in tears now,

“In that moment I decided to move, to make new memories, we need change of place not only city but country. It’s good for their health. I’m sorry you lost someone you loved but I got Peggy back, and I will do anything to keep her happy and safe” Steve said

“Even if it means I have to lose everything, & start a fresh” he hoped his friend will understand.

“When do you leave?” Bucky asked

“Friday is my last day working with FBI, we are moving there over the weekend” Steve answered

Bucky nodded, without saying a word, put down the glass and stood up abruptly. He was not going to have single family member at his wedding.

Steve came to him, hugged him tight. Both men tried to put as much as they could in that hug, no words were exchanged.

Bucky turned and left, walked out of without looking back. Uncertain of his own future.

Two weeks past in a blink, day of wedding came. Sam stepped up in Steve’s absence as a best man.

It was almost time for bride to walk out. Bucky took his place at the altar Sam standing right behind him.

Bucky scanned the crowd, not a single family member in such big audience.

Then his eyes locked with Tony, and both men gave each other acknowledging nod. Tony gave him a sad smile, his eyes speaking more. As if he could understand Bucky’s dilemma, in that moment they were connected by someone who was long gone but was still alive amongst them.

Both of them loved you at different times in your life, you were different person to each of them but love was real.  

Tony had not only had lost his childhood best friend but someone he truly loved. He could actually fathom the loss Bucky felt, knew how helpless & hopeless it felt to lead this life. 

Both of them starting lives with somebody else.

Just then woman sitting next to Tony, Bucky assumed was his wife, whispered something to him and eye contact broke between the men.  

The music started and there came Natasha walking down the aisle with Clint. It was obvious choice for her, she didn’t have any family, and Clint was the one who gave her second chance at life. He was her confidant and mentor.

Natasha looked beautiful, looked happy, everything about her was perfect. She smiled widely at Bucky when their eyes met.

Just in that moment Bucky was caught up, once again he remembered you, saw your face, and imagined it was you walking towards him. You were giving him loving smile that the two of you were going to start the wonderful life together.

His mind played the dream again; you lounging in beach chair while reading, his son building sandcastle, and his daughter sprawled on his chest.

His family!!!

Same vision, the house, the beach, the breakfast, the kids giggling…

No it was not true.

You were  ** _Dead_** …

His subconscious was aware that Natasha reached the altar, Clint kissed her cheek and gave her hand to Bucky and they turned to the priest.

He heard Natasha say “I Do”…

The priest recited vows to Bucky,

I James Buchanan Barnes, take you Natasha Romanov, to be my lawfully wedded  _wife_ , to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

Priest waited for Bucky to agree, but nothing came out of him. He was still caught up in his mind, Natasha squeezed his hands a little and gave him encouraging smile.

He was aware that people were getting restless, Sam his best man nudged him a little, priest cleared his throat, and suddenly Bucky was pulled out of his reverie, he met hopeful gaze of Natasha and he said

“I D…..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Show me some love. Tell me if you’re enjoying my writing. is it any good or bad. Would love to hear from you. xoxo :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Show me some love. Tell me if you’re enjoying my writing. is it any good or bad. Would love to hear from you. xoxo :)


End file.
